You think you’ll get better, but then you don’t

*This has become therapeutic for me don’t make a big deal out of it*

Still waiting to come off this depressive cycle. And it really sucks too because now it’s the end of spring break and I’ve felt like this the entire time. The worst part is I know when I’m supposed to feel excited about stuff, it just doesn’t always happen. Like when your TV has picture but no sound. You know what’s happening and you know what’s supposed to be happening, but something’s still wrong and what’s happening and what’s supposed to be happening don’t match up. At the beginning of the week, I tried to make myself feel excited about having a week off from school, but I just couldn’t find that feeling. I tried all week. I read books, I cooked, I got plenty of sleep, I went out with a friend, I spent time with my boyfriend, and even today I bought myself a new pair of running shoes and I’m wearing them right now because I felt like if I put them on I would feel more excited and that might make me excited to be on spring break– but I’m not.

And when I express this to other humans the first things out of their mouths are usually one of two things:

  1. But WHY aren’t you happy?
  2. Just be happy then!

I roll my eyes to both but I’m usually gentler with people who ask #1. The answer is, it’s a temporary thing. Wait til my manic cycle rolls back around– I’ll be bouncing off the walls. You will have to restrain me to keep me from sprinting everywhere I go. And it’s not like every day that I’m in my depressive state I’m a sobbing puddle of despair– maybe sometimes but not every single day. Most days I’m actively trying to launch myself back into a manic cycle and force myself to be happy, and the more I try the more exhausted I get and I know I just have to let my brain do its thing and let this phase run its course but it’s SO FRUSTRATING. I wish more than anything I could have been excited and bouncing off the walls for spring break. The way I’m naturally wired just won’t let me right now.

I’m not going to lie– I get pretty shitty with the #2 group. Like, OH MY GOD thank you, I never thought of that before! WOW my bipolar disorder is magically cured! THANK YOU! Have you ever told a person with a broken leg to just get up and walk it off? Do you tell cancer patients to just stop having cancer? You can’t tell people with clinical bipolar disorder to just feel a way that they don’t feel. Honestly, I don’t believe that you can make any human feel a certain way that they don’t, but especially not with bipolar people. We feel bad enough that we don’t always have our emotions and feelings under control, we don’t need you to remind us that we don’t.

I keep thinking I’m getting close to coming off this depressive cycle, but I’m still here– teetering on the edge of this cliff and wondering when I’m going to fall off; sick of being on this never ending quest for happiness that always seems to be just out of reach. I don’t know much about a lot of things, but I do know this– I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

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