THIS. BOOK. BROKE. MY. FREAKING. HEART.
I am not even kidding. When I finished this book, I was curled up in my bed ugly crying because of how much it got inside my head and messed with stuff. “Read it,” everyone said, “it’s so good,” they said. Well it is really really good, but oh my freaking gosh it is just so gosh darn sad! You might feel different about it when you read it, but for someone with bipolar disorder who deals with a lot of the stuff the main character deals with in this book, it is absolutely heartbreaking.
More Happy Than Not by Adam Silvera (copying this from the author’s website so I describe it accurately and justly) is this: “Sixteen-year-old Aaron Soto is struggling to find happiness after a family tragedy leaves him reeling. He’s slowly remembering what happiness might feel like this summer with the support of his girlfriend Genevieve, but it’s his new best friend, Thomas, who really gets Aaron to open up about his past and confront his future. As Thomas and Aaron get closer, Aaron discovers things about himself that threaten to shatter his newfound contentment. A revolutionary memory-alteration procedure, courtesy of the Leteo Institute, might be the way to straighten himself out. But what if it means forgetting who he truly is?”
In a nutshell, this book is about altering your memory to forget parts of who you are in order to be more adaptable and accepted by society. I can’t tell you how many nights I have sat up wondering why I can’t just be normal and why there isn’t a miracle cure that could just wipe my memories and make me normal. But more than that, I feel like Adam Silvera really gets me. As I was reading, I felt like he was speaking directly to me, like he could see inside my soul.
And I NEVER highlight in books. All my books are in perfect condition and I would rather die than highlight in them, but I highlighted a passage in this one, because it hit so close to home with me that I felt like I had been sucker punched in the gut:
“I open up one of my father’s unused razors and cut into my wrist like he did, sit in a curve until it smiles so everyone will know I died for happiness. I was expecting relief but instead it’s the saddest pain I’ve ever experienced.”
It was at this point I put the book down for a second and gave my hamster a good cuddle and ugly cried all over her too. I have never before seen someone find the perfect combination of words to describe that feeling, although I would have added lonely in addition to saddest. If you know what it feels like, then you just know, the same way that you know blue is blue. You can’t describe it to someone who has never seen blue before, but you know it when you see it. And somehow Adam Silvera managed to find words to describe blue.
This book may not mean much to some of you, but I know to a lot of you it’s going to make a big difference in your world, in the same way it did for me. Please give it a try.