I woke up Thursday morning with an overwhelming sense of despair (bipolar disorder is the absolute worst, ugh). Which totally sucked, but I knew that one thing was bound to come out of it– the writing bug was going to pay me a visit soon.
I’m generally pretty open about having bipolar disorder. For those of you who don’t know, people with BD go through manic and depressive cycles. During my manic cycles, I have a ton of energy and I seem to run nearly everywhere I go. I can’t stop moving. During my YA class this past Tuesday we were having a very serious discussion and I could not for the life of me sit still. If I choose to write during this time, I don’t write as well as I do during my depressive cycles, but I can write A LOT. My record is 70 pages in 7 days. When I enter my depressive cycles, I feel absolutely disgusting and horrible 90% of the time and I don’t really like to do anything. But usually at some point during my depressive cycles, I get bitten by the writing bug and have an overwhelming urge to write and my mind cannot and will not focus on anything until I write my thoughts and feelings down. And I don’t know what it is about being in the depressive cycle, but the work I do during that time is always my best.
Being bitten by the writing bug is like having a blazing fire lit beneath you that refuses to rest until you give it what it wants. My fire has woken me up and dragged me out of bed at 3 am before because it demanded to be fed. (Danielle, you were the most patient roommate ever and I do not deserve you.) I really hope you know the feeling I’m talking about, because it is one of the most beautiful feelings in the universe. It starts out pretty obnoxiously– I’ve actually gotten terrible headaches because I had so much to say but I didn’t have access to any writing materials so I had to hold it all in. When I get bitten by the bug I more or less turn into Light Yagami from Death Note— insanity and all. (I’ve never killed anyone though, please don’t send me angry emails.) But it’s a beautiful madness and when you’re all finished, you have a lovely piece of art that you created all by yourself.